The Planets

You can’t know my pain unless you have a chart that’s ruled by Pluto and Neptune. I’m no stranger to the darkness. I was born in the dark, I live in the dark. There are no shadows here. You can’t know my pain unless you’ve met my mind, precariously ruled by Mercury. I’ve spent most of my life trying to get the hell away from it, simultaneously my greatest asset and my greatest liability.I spent years damaging it, trying to drown it, hoping it would turn defective and shut the fuck up. But it ticks on, endlessly, relentlessly, tormenting me and teaching me all at the same time. I tried to end its ceaseless chatter, but eventually I conceded. I can’t win this anymore than I can end this. I wish the universe had let me go a long time ago, had allowed me the great privilege of leaving, but Pluto spoke against my wishes. I watched the blood drip, not because I wanted to harm my body, but because my body needed to feel something.And pain is as good as a feeling as any.It’s synaptic, it speaks, it a sensory lifeline that I could hold onto. And it worked for a little while. but scars spoke louder than my need for a synaptic response and I eventually had to stop, mostly because outside attention and inquisitions didn’t understand, pain is pain. Pain is not asking for attention. It’s asking for peace.At least that’s all I wanted. Some fucking peace and quiet away from myself. To be free from…me. I fed my virgo mind with science, its appetite is voracious. Mine is a mind that never tires, it keeps turning long after I’ve tired of it. the drugs and alcohol never stopped it, if I was lucky it slowed a bit, enough that I could operate on everyone else’s level, instead of always being a decade ahead. Why am I writing this? I’m writing this because Ive learned over three decades that I can’t stop this, so I surrender to it. But if I can do one thing before I go, I just want you to feel less alone. It was all I wanted when I was battling adolescence. Doing this for you makes me feel like I’m doing it for that little girl I was once too. Giving it away is giving it back to myself, all at once.

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